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Funny Cuts

Here are a some amusing quotes, tips and hints from miscellaneous motor car publications including handbooks, magazines and advertisements of ‘the day’.

Q: Who is your real friend?

A: Put your dog and your wife in the boot of a car at the same time for an hour. When you open it, which one is really happy to see you?

‘I can’t drink any more of this, it’s hurting my throat ….’
Roger Baker, June 2015

Beer Glass

From Pitman’s ‘The Book of The Austin Ten’ (first edition 1937)

… The first desire of the owner of an Austin Ten upon taking delivery is almost always to gaze on it with admiration, to show it to all those interested friends, and to compare its performance with that of the car it supersedes, particularly so if its predecessor was also a Ten. This desire, or combination of desires, should be curbed, and the owner’s first responsibilities undertaken in a systematic and organized manner…

From the ‘Handbook of the Austin Seven’ (1936)

… The Austin Seven is particularly suitable for the woman driver. It requires little physical effort to drive and control, and for that reason, its use enables her to do shopping calls without fatigue, visit her friends, attend social and other functions, or make excursions or trips in any direction in any weather.

For the same reasons business men find it an excellent vehicle, and commercial travellers and others whose occupations compels frequent calls over an extended area have in the little car an embodiment of all they require ……

From ‘The Morris Owner’ May 1935

Uses for Discarded Inner Tubes
(Amongst others we found were):

A pair of emergency leggings for snow or heavy rain is quickly made by cutting pieces of tyre tubing long enough to reach from the instep to the knee. Cut out a piece for the heel. This allows them to slip freely over the instep and leave the heel free. As such leggings would only be worn in an emergency(really?!!) they can be tied on with string.

An arm-chair ash-tray is made both cheaply and easily by cutting a strip of car-tubing twelve inches long and one and a half inches wide. Wash and dry this strip and polish with good cream. Fringe each end of the strip with scissors and in the middle glue the lid of a face cream jar or similar sized lid which you have previously enamelled. (What?!!)

And this is our favourite:

Try tacking pieces of old tubing to the stump of an old broom and you will have a useful brush for swilling out the garage. (I bet you’re off to make one now!)

And from the Jokes Page:

“Did you enjoy your motor tour?”

“The wife did the driving all the way.”

“And what did you do?”

“Just held on to the steering wheel”

From ‘The Autocar’ April 1932 (proving that there’s nothing new about driverless cars!)

Driverless Car

From a marvellous advertisement in ‘The Autocar’ for the Litesome Body Belt (!)

Do you really enjoy long runs in your car? Do they leave you limp and exhausted with all the pleasure gone? The fatigue which attacks you is due to unnoticed strain of delicate muscles, increasing as the miles add up. There is in it danger as well as discomfort. Fatigue takes the edge off your alertness, paves the way to accidents. You can keep fresh and alert throughout a long day’s motoring. The ‘Litesome’ Body Belt gives gentle bracing support to delicate muscles and so keeps fatigue at bay. Every man should wear the ‘Litesome’ Body Belt constantly. (These were even for sale in Boots and Harrods!! – and for just 4/6!!!)

From Pitman’s ‘The Book of The Morris Eight and The Morris Minor’

… in to third gear and press the accelerator pedal. You are now travelling somewhere in the region of 25 miles per hour and you will be well advised not to exceed this speed until you feel perfectly confident to make the next and last change into top …. You are now in top and doing famously, but don’t take any liberties. (!) All you have to do now is to watch your steering and use the accelerator pedal …. Remember to keep to the left side on the road and to slow down when approaching cross roads and corners…

From ‘Practical Motorist’ July 1954

Safety Belts

… The RAC in all seriousness now asks car drivers and passengers to wear safety belts so that in the event of a sudden emergency stop they will not bang their noses against the windscreen….

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